It’s when I’m driving alone that I feel the loneliest. When darkness is stretched out before me and all I can see is what my headlights will show me. The clouds get tall like buildings, scraping across the sky. It is here that I wonder about all of those moments I forgot to breathe in, those moments I forgot to live.
Do you know what I hate most? Silence on the end of the telephone. The way I always wait for the dial tone, every time you hang up. I hate the way I feel when I can’t seem to connect. Like I’m lost in the daily routine of things, like I’m one more thing you add to the list of “I’ll do tomorrow” ‘s .
And I know you don’t read minds. But if you did, you would know that I tell you to go because I want you to fight me. I want you to prove that you need to stay…and maybe that’s selfish of me.
Selfish? No. Insecure. I’m struggling to say that I need you, because to need you is to be vulnerable, to need you is to be humbled; and I am perhaps, most prideful there. It is much easier… easier? Wait. No. It’s normal to be independent. It’s my survival mode. It is the only way I’ve made it through the past two decades.
My independence is the skin that my pride lives in. And insecurity is the bones of that pride.
I want to feel in control. I want to prove that I’m worthy. I want to prove…
See, I’m a lot less cool than my persona will tell you. I struggle to feel connected. I struggle to be honest and say one simple truth. A truth that is real to all people. That I too, need people; and tonight, I need you.